Peace Enters the Home When a Child Submits Willfully

So, how do you get a defiant child to willfully submit to her parents authority?
Let me tell you what has worked wonders recently for us.
My 4 year old (middle child) daughter has been defiant and difficult since she was two. We were hoping that it was just that 'two's phase' and that it would pass. But now she is four and we see more anger, rebellion and aggression. Let me tell you it breaks my heart to see it. We did not raise her this way. Her brothers aren't like this. Why? Why all the fighting, strife and negativity at such a young age?
We used time outs, spankings, isolation in her bedroom (her rebellion would not keep her there), we we even tried time out in a car seat (that worked for a while). But as she grew she could McGyver her way out of the car seat too. We were prime candidates for Nanny 911.

So, at a point of heart break of tears on my end, once again, I sought council from a friend who teaches Growing Kids God's Way classes. I had heard what she told me before but I needed my memory refreshed cause my daughter was at an age where she could understand enough to be accountable.
Here is what we did and still do that seems to be working! I think it is loaded with wisdom!
When there is disobedience, I tell her she needs to go to her room until she can calm down and be a part of the family again. That usually goes over like a lead balloon. So I take her there (kicking, screaming and sometimes dragging). I tell her that she needs to sit on her bed until she has self control and to call me and I will come get her.  I also tell her that if she disobeys and comes out before she is ready that she will be chastised. I close the door and leave the room. (Another Lead balloon). She comes out 2 seconds later crying, angry and fighting. So I tell her that because she disobeyed she will need to get a spank. HERE IS THE KEY: "When you are ready for your spanking, you can come out of your room." Then, I buckle my lip and take her back to her bed, close the door. We do this how ever many times it takes (usually about 1/2 hour to 45 mins).
I was shocked the first time she said she was ready for a spanking. I thought it would never happen. Simply because I know how stubborn she can be. So I did spank her and then we hugged and talked. I told her I love her. We did this two times back to back the first day.
The second day she was and ANGEL! There were NO incidences that needed to be dealt with AT ALL! It was the most peaceful day I had had yet! She did express multiple times that she loved me and that she wanted me to cuddle with her or play with her. So I filled her little love tank and did some heart mending.
Since that first day we have only had to do that a handful of times and it has been about a month now!
Big difference. She seems much happier and cries lots less too.

Here is what happened. I was forcing her to be under my authority by just spanking her (causing both of us to be angry). This way, I give her time to come to her own agreement that mom is in authority. When I tell her to come to me when she is ready for the spanking, I am allowing her the freedom to submit when SHE is ready.
We have all heard that submission is not forced but willfully bending the heart to another's authority. The heart has to be right. Only she can do that. I can't ever MAKE her do that.
This is huge! And I see a difference in her heart! We love on each other much more than we used to. Our relationship is being built up instead of being torn down. Yes, at times we still have tears, anger and impatience but it is 99% better than it was. It is now manageable.

Teaching Table Manners to your Preschooler

Begin with the idea that mealtimes are pleasant and that good behavior makes them more fun for everyone. Talk with your preschooler about the importance of good manners, and encourage them to think of themselves as a polite person. Set realistic expectations, then gently reinforce them until they become habit.


Your child isn't ready for the finer points of well-mannered dining (such as which fork to use for the cake), but they're old enough to start learning and even perform the basics - depending, of course, on whether they've just turned 2 or are approaching kindergarten age.

Some behaviors to teach and encourage at this age:

Hand washing before coming to the table
No toys at the table
No throwing or grabbing food
No banging utensils
No spitting food out
No yelling or running around the room while others are eating
Saying "please" and "thank you"
Using utensils instead of fingers when appropriate
Asking to be excused at the end of the meal (a nice touch is to teach them to thank the person who prepared the meal)
Clearing dishes from the table to the sink or counter (if the path is clear and the dishes are replaceable)
Some older preschoolers (those who enjoy learning to act "grown up") can handle a few more details. Your child might like to know how to put their napkin in their lap and use it to wipe their mouth, to take small bites, and to chew with their mouth closed. They can learn not to slurp their beverage (by leaving some in the bottom of the glass), to wait until everyone is served before starting to eat, and to comment nicely on the foods they like (but not on those that are "yucky"). Mealtime is a great opportunity for them to polish their communication skills, too, so be sure to include them in discussions.


Your preschooler wants to please you, and they want to be like you, so the best way is to show them how it's done. Talk pleasantly at the table - no lectures, arguments, or raised voices. Say "please" and "thank you" when you ask for something to be passed. And don't read the paper, watch television, talk on the phone, or jump up to tend to other things. Show them that good table manners involve showing respect for the other people at the table.

Consistency will help make good manners a habit for your child in the coming years, so when you introduce a behavior, set expectations and use gentle reminders to reinforce them. Simply hand your child their spoon when they pick up their cottage cheese with their fingers, and prompt a "thank you" when you refill their water.

Give your child strokes for behaving well at the table - when they sit nicely and ask politely, for example. Don't overdo the praise, though, because you don't want them to feel that they're the center of attention whenever you sit down to share a meal.

What should I do when my child misbehaves at the table?

You have a couple of choices. Some parents find it's best to ignore the misbehavior - the demanding, the banging, the mess-making. When this tactic works, it's because the child stops doing whatever gets no response. Other parents find that it's better to find ways to discourage their child's problematic behavior. If your child doesn't say "please," then don't serve that second helping until they do. And some parents simply remove their children from the table when they do things that are unacceptable, explaining that their behavior is not good manners.

If you make it enjoyable for your child to share meals with you - by talking with them and being upbeat - then they're more likely to want to stay and share the good vibes. Next time (or eventually, in any case), they won't do things that get them banished.

What are some good rules at this point?

Different families are comfortable with different rules, so you get to decide. One family might be fine with everyone coming to dinner in their bathing suits or jammies, for example, while another may require that everyone gets dressed for dinner. Your family may enforce the "no elbows on the table" rule, while another has no such rule.

So you'll want to make sure that your child learns to be polite, but there's some leeway on what that means. As they grow, you can teach your child the basics (to say "please" and "thank you," to chew with their mouth closed, to be pleasant) and even some nitty gritty (like which utensil to use and where to put their napkin), but don't get too hung up on formalities. Good manners are really about being considerate of others. If your child keeps that in mind, they'll do fine.

There are a couple of rules you might not want to enforce at mealtimes, though. One is the old "clean your plate" rule. You want your child to learn to stop eating when their body says it's full, not when everything in front of them is gone. So offer small portions, refilling as necessary, and respect their decision to stop eating.

At this age, you might also forgo the rule about sitting at the table until everybody is finished eating. Your preschooler is still active by nature, and it's likely they just can't sit still that long. A better idea might be to let them ask to be excused whenever they're finished. You might want to say that once they leave, they can't come back for more food, though, so they won't get into that habit of coming and going throughout the meal.

First Time Obedience Training

Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? FIRST time obedience? Sign me (my kids) up!

We start this process in our home when the kids are around 15 months old but there is never a time when it is too late to start, it may just sound a little different at various ages.
This is how it works. You want to train your children to come to you every time you call their name. Not only that, you want to hear them respond with "Yes Mom, I am coming." Or something like it. My husband and I prefer, "Here I come mom," or, "Okay mom, I am coming." So, say 3 year old Joey is in his room playing and I call, "Joey" from down the stairs. Joey should be trained to respond quickly with words and action.... "Yes mom! (verbal acknowledgement of your call), I am coming (physical acknowledgment)." Once the child has come to you, you can speak to them rather than yelling up the stairs to say what you wanted to say. Then once you give your instruction (ex. It is time to pick up your sister from dance class, I want you put your socks and shoes on now), you can then wait for a verbal agreement (okay mom).

Side note: Results in successful follow through to a command is 95% higher if the instruction was given in a speaking tone and done face to face verses yelling from a distance.

You are looking to have them come to the call of their name 100 % of the time. This will take time and training but it is possible. Because of our natural sin nature you may want to bump that percentage down to 98% but aim high sin is no excuse. Once you have this established you will need to continue working on it. Just like anything we teach our kids, they need constant reminders and refreshers. The magic in this little game is it spills over into all other interactions all day long. The key is you get eye to eye contact and a verbal acknowledgement and in the end a verbal agreement. In Bible times verbal agreements are heavy and sincere commitments. We are looking to have our children obey and follow through.

As you are training them make a game out of it. Tell them, we are going to play a game to practice coming when I call your name. I want you to go over there (or into the next room - somewhere where they will hear you call) and I will call your name. When you hear me I want to you say "Yes mom, I am coming!" and then come running to me. When they do this (if they are 2 -5 years old) all they need is a great verbal reward for playing the game. My kids love it. I try to use different tones and sing songy sounds each time I call them. They come running and I give them a hug or a high five. Then when I call them and it is not the 'game' they seem happy to do it!

If you are training a very young one who can't verbalize yet. What you do is say their name from across the room and then go to the child take them by the hand and lead them back to where you were when you called them. And say, 'say, coming." or "okay."

Sometimes I will call them throughout the day just to see if they do it. When they get to me, I tell them, "I just wanted to tickle your belly." They eat it up!

Now, what do you do if they don't come or say okay mom. Well, if you really want to see first time obedience, you will need to decide on a consequence. For us, since they are all 3 and under I tell them, "Opps! That's not what you are suppose to say. Let's try that again." And they usually choose a better way the second time. If there is absolute defiance, I will have them sit on the couch quietly and when I decide, I will call them to me. Their response at this point will tell me if they are ready to move on.

It is fascinating to me that this one thing spills over into all other instruction you give. Eventually they will not only say okay to coming but they will say okay to the instruction you give once they get to you. And if they don't simply tell them how they should respond. This is training. We parents need not feel bad for putting words in their mouths. We are training their actions, words, thought patterns and attitudes.
When they are young tell them how to think, and what to think, what to say and how to say it. They need us! Now go train and have fun doing it!

Dropping Naps

This is a very helpful article on when to drop naps. It covers infants to three and four year olds.

It is helpful even for moms who have done it before. How soon we forget!