Update on Willful Submission

A few posts back I explained that I was having great difficulty with my four year old daughter and her defiant disobedience. I got some great advice that really has helped. And that is, when she has done something that merits chastisement she is to stay in her room until she has control of herself and needs to come to me when she is ready to be chastised. So that way she is coming under he own will and I am not forcing her to submit but she does it on her own timing and will rather than me forcing her to submit to the chastisement.


It is now a couple months later and (by request of one of my readers) I want to update you on how that process is going.


It really is a process much like all of the parenting and training we do. She still gets into her little funky episodes and for some reason when I first see it I know it will be a long day. They just seem to be whole days that she has a hard time breaking free from attitude and rebellion in her. We are bathing this situation in much prayer! I will say it again.... MUCH PRAYER!


This nugget of wisdom has most positively affected our relationship as mother and daughter. I could really feel us pushing each other way from each other, as I was constantly having to correct her and discipline her and she would just kick it up higher and harder. 


Heart wrenching to a mom. 
Really. She is only 4 years old! What caused this? If I can't mend my relationship with a 4 year old, how in the world will I do it when she is a teenager?


This method of having her come to me for the spanking has
1.) Allowed me to calm down enough to talk her through it and spank in a controlled manner. 
2.) Allowed her to calm herself down to be able to talk to me and open up to me rather than continue to defend and fight and put more walls up.
3.) Allowed a genuine time of repentance, restoration and forgiveness on both parts. Confession is so good and healthy but can only be done when you are in a humble state.
4.) Sparked something in her to continually express her love for me. Even after I spank her. Before, like I said, she was building walls and wasn't given the space and freedom that she needed. Now, throughout the day she will hug me and tell me she loves me. That did not happen before.
5.) Allowed closure to the incident and gives us freedom to move on with our day. It is left behind and forgiven. When I discipline in anger I have a hard time myself letting go of the frustration and anger for the rest of the day. And now that I type this I see that the apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree. Ahem.
6.) Become much less often and takes less time that it did at the beginning. Now it may happen once in a day and last only 10 minutes v.s. the 3 times a day lasting 45 minutes of her struggling and fighting and coming out of her room when she was not ready to be spanked only to be sent back in. You do the math. That really eats up your day and attention away from your other children!


These are what comes to my mind at this point. It really has helped us both and the affect on our family is benefiting as well. Bit by bit I see her becoming more moldable and teachable. That means the world to me. 
I thank God for his involvement and answer to prayer and power over the evil one who longs to have our children. The victory has already been won. Jesus Christ lives, rules and reigns in my heart and in our home. Evil of any kind is NOT welcome here. There is a reason it is called a 'Spiritual Battle.'  The enemy at battle does not give up easily. He wants our children. So battle I will.... with God on my side.... I have no fear. If God is for me who can be against me? 

Peace Enters the Home When a Child Submits Willfully

So, how do you get a defiant child to willfully submit to her parents authority?
Let me tell you what has worked wonders recently for us.
My 4 year old (middle child) daughter has been defiant and difficult since she was two. We were hoping that it was just that 'two's phase' and that it would pass. But now she is four and we see more anger, rebellion and aggression. Let me tell you it breaks my heart to see it. We did not raise her this way. Her brothers aren't like this. Why? Why all the fighting, strife and negativity at such a young age?
We used time outs, spankings, isolation in her bedroom (her rebellion would not keep her there), we we even tried time out in a car seat (that worked for a while). But as she grew she could McGyver her way out of the car seat too. We were prime candidates for Nanny 911.

So, at a point of heart break of tears on my end, once again, I sought council from a friend who teaches Growing Kids God's Way classes. I had heard what she told me before but I needed my memory refreshed cause my daughter was at an age where she could understand enough to be accountable.
Here is what we did and still do that seems to be working! I think it is loaded with wisdom!
When there is disobedience, I tell her she needs to go to her room until she can calm down and be a part of the family again. That usually goes over like a lead balloon. So I take her there (kicking, screaming and sometimes dragging). I tell her that she needs to sit on her bed until she has self control and to call me and I will come get her.  I also tell her that if she disobeys and comes out before she is ready that she will be chastised. I close the door and leave the room. (Another Lead balloon). She comes out 2 seconds later crying, angry and fighting. So I tell her that because she disobeyed she will need to get a spank. HERE IS THE KEY: "When you are ready for your spanking, you can come out of your room." Then, I buckle my lip and take her back to her bed, close the door. We do this how ever many times it takes (usually about 1/2 hour to 45 mins).
I was shocked the first time she said she was ready for a spanking. I thought it would never happen. Simply because I know how stubborn she can be. So I did spank her and then we hugged and talked. I told her I love her. We did this two times back to back the first day.
The second day she was and ANGEL! There were NO incidences that needed to be dealt with AT ALL! It was the most peaceful day I had had yet! She did express multiple times that she loved me and that she wanted me to cuddle with her or play with her. So I filled her little love tank and did some heart mending.
Since that first day we have only had to do that a handful of times and it has been about a month now!
Big difference. She seems much happier and cries lots less too.

Here is what happened. I was forcing her to be under my authority by just spanking her (causing both of us to be angry). This way, I give her time to come to her own agreement that mom is in authority. When I tell her to come to me when she is ready for the spanking, I am allowing her the freedom to submit when SHE is ready.
We have all heard that submission is not forced but willfully bending the heart to another's authority. The heart has to be right. Only she can do that. I can't ever MAKE her do that.
This is huge! And I see a difference in her heart! We love on each other much more than we used to. Our relationship is being built up instead of being torn down. Yes, at times we still have tears, anger and impatience but it is 99% better than it was. It is now manageable.

Fighting for Our Daughters

I subscribe to a blog called 'Unplug Your Family."
I am really enjoying it and as a result our family has chosen to be 'Unpluged' from T.V., video games, movies, and even the computer (mom too) every Tuesday. It has been going great. But I realize how hooked we are on that day. When we are unplugged the kids (ages 5, 3 and 1) actually do better with attitudes, imaginary play and I get more accomplished too! Don't get me wrong, it is hard! Like fasting. There have been times when a kid is throwing a fit or is just grumpy and I want to pop in a video to just not deal with it. But I am teaching them some great skills in self control and using their minds to keep them busy and helping them develop better relationships with each other.


Good stuff but the real reason for this post is this article I just read on her blog. 
Fighting for our Daughters is a fantastic read with a wealth of wisdom. If you have a daughter you will want to read this. If you know of someone with a daughter pass it along.


Click here to read it. You will need a few undistracted  moments to fully absorb its wisdom.
Check it out. 

Raising Homemakers

If you have a daughter of any age this new site if for you!

Here is a blog called Raising Homemakers that is just getting started. I am so looking forward to it! I know I need all the help (that is godly) in raising my daughter to be her best as a woman of God.!

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