Thursday, February 16, 2012

Update on Willful Submission

A few posts back I explained that I was having great difficulty with my four year old daughter and her defiant disobedience. I got some great advice that really has helped. And that is, when she has done something that merits chastisement she is to stay in her room until she has control of herself and needs to come to me when she is ready to be chastised. So that way she is coming under he own will and I am not forcing her to submit but she does it on her own timing and will rather than me forcing her to submit to the chastisement.

It is now a couple months later and (by request of one of my readers) I want to update you on how that process is going.

It really is a process much like all of the parenting and training we do. She still gets into her little funky episodes and for some reason when I first see it I know it will be a long day. They just seem to be whole days that she has a hard time breaking free from attitude and rebellion in her. We are bathing this situation in much prayer! I will say it again.... MUCH PRAYER!

This nugget of wisdom has most positively affected our relationship as mother and daughter. I could really feel us pushing each other way from each other, as I was constantly having to correct her and discipline her and she would just kick it up higher and harder. 

Heart wrenching to a mom. 
Really. She is only 4 years old! What caused this? If I can't mend my relationship with a 4 year old, how in the world will I do it when she is a teenager?

This method of having her come to me for the spanking has
1.) Allowed me to calm down enough to talk her through it and spank in a controlled manner. 
2.) Allowed her to calm herself down to be able to talk to me and open up to me rather than continue to defend and fight and put more walls up.
3.) Allowed a genuine time of repentance, restoration and forgiveness on both parts. Confession is so good and healthy but can only be done when you are in a humble state.
4.) Sparked something in her to continually express her love for me. Even after I spank her. Before, like I said, she was building walls and wasn't given the space and freedom that she needed. Now, throughout the day she will hug me and tell me she loves me. That did not happen before.
5.) Allowed closure to the incident and gives us freedom to move on with our day. It is left behind and forgiven. When I discipline in anger I have a hard time myself letting go of the frustration and anger for the rest of the day. And now that I type this I see that the apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree. Ahem.
6.) Become much less often and takes less time that it did at the beginning. Now it may happen once in a day and last only 10 minutes v.s. the 3 times a day lasting 45 minutes of her struggling and fighting and coming out of her room when she was not ready to be spanked only to be sent back in. You do the math. That really eats up your day and attention away from your other children!

These are what comes to my mind at this point. It really has helped us both and the affect on our family is benefiting as well. Bit by bit I see her becoming more moldable and teachable. That means the world to me. 
I thank God for his involvement and answer to prayer and power over the evil one who longs to have our children. The victory has already been won. Jesus Christ lives, rules and reigns in my heart and in our home. Evil of any kind is NOT welcome here. There is a reason it is called a 'Spiritual Battle.'  The enemy at battle does not give up easily. He wants our children. So battle I will.... with God on my side.... I have no fear. If God is for me who can be against me? 


Marta Jeremy Emily and Abigail said...

That is wonderful! There is lots of merit in what you say. I have had some similar experiences with my now 5 year old. Having posted rules and taking time to walk to them and talk about how they were broken, warning, and then repeat for punishment, was so helpful. It gave me time to simmer down as we walked to where they were posted. And helped her see WHY what she did was wrong.

Another thing where time was helpful was time out. I used to do the standard one min/age timeout. No success. However having her sit in time out until she was ready to apologize (specifically) made a huge difference to the recurrence factor.
What you've shared is a wonderful way to apply that same principle to to spankings. We all need time to let go of anger and be able to listen to counsel.

Valerie said...

Thank you for the update! I am so encouraged to hear that her little heart is softening and your relationship is improving. Our two year old became defiant and rebellious a few months ago and I am on my knees daily for HER. I know how miserable it feels to be in rebellion against loving authority. I am going to talk with my husband and try this. Thanks again for sharing your journey.

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